Today’s Readings: Colossians 3:2, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 6:25
Okay… super vulnerability time. I started this blog to help myself stay accountable with my personal bible studies. Well, it’s been almost two months since I posted anything so as you can tell, I haven’t really been as consistent as I wanted to be. However, I decided I’m not going to pressure myself to post each time I begin a bible study… only if I feel led to. Or if I just need to get my thoughts typed out.
Since my last post a lot has been happening in my household. We knew my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer but we recently found out she is also diagnosed with a subtype of cancer called “triple negative cancer” that is affecting her neck region. Because of this, she has started chemotherapy and let me just say if you’ve ever lived with someone while they are taking chemo, I am so proud of you. It is not easy, not even a little bit. Watching someone you love become so fatigued, watching their physical and emotional pain progress and even watching them loose their hair, is not easy. It does however put things in perspective and you begin to watch your priorities shift. Trying times like this may make you feel a little worrisome and anxious which is exactly what I want to talk about. (My mind is spinning around with about 1,000 different thoughts so I apologize in advance if this post seems out of order or boggled… I’m just going to type out what’s on my heart and mind. And even if it doesn’t make sense to y’all… I know Jesus understands always- this picture below that 104.9 posted the other day, explains that perfectly!)
Anxiety is a topic that is very relevant in my life. Honestly I feel like this topic should get like 10 posts because of how much detail I could expound on… but for sake of time I think 1 post is enough for now. I realize everyone feels anxious and depressed when times are tough, it’s totally normal. However, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ago and I can’t really remember a time where I wasn’t either anxious and/ or depressed. Within these last two years I’d say my anxiety has overlapped my depression by far. I’ve had mixed feelings about whether or not to take medication for these conditions but after going on/ off of my medicine for years, I’ve decided that at least for right now, medication is the right decision for me. I’m thankful that God has given doctors the knowledge to help treat the symptoms of my anxiety but it goes so much deeper than medicine. I know that God is ultimately the great physician and that I’ll never truly be at peace unless He abides in me (which He does.)
That being said, there are a lot of things that bother me that I have to try and pray through every single day. Obviously my mom’s cancer is a big one for me. I’m constantly playing the “what-if” game in terms of her health. I won’t go into detail simply because I could go on and on, but I’m sure you guys get the idea. It’s rough. We have to take it each day at a time. I do however often feel as if God is allowing me to feel an immense amount of peace about my mom, so that I can be strong for her. It’s as if every time she feels discouraged and it would make sense for me to get upset alongside her, I instead feel as though God is wrapping us all up in a big hug and telling us it’s going to okay. I believe He gives me such peace because she is going to be okay and she is going to get through this with God by her side. The number one thing you’d think I’d be worried about is the one thing that God constantly helps me with. I do however have many little insignificant things that shouldn’t seem to bother me yet they do… things that trigger my anxiety to the max.
I frequently get anxious about the silliest and smallest things and sometimes if I allow these anxieties to dwell for too long they can turn into panic attacks, which are obviously never fun. (Before I list the things that make me anxious please remember that what bothers me may seem completely ridiculous to you but I ask that you don’t judge.) I get anxious when certain people don’t like my posts on facebook. I get anxious if I’m texting someone in a positive way and they don’t text back in the same manner. I get anxious if I feel like I’m being left out. I get anxious and suspicious that people who are close to me are always saying something negative about me when I’m not around. I get anxious when I wonder what people think about me and my life decisions. I get anxious about my future. I get anxious that I’m going to say the wrong thing and offend someone (which is why I’m always trying to explain myself.) When situations like this arise, I try to decide if I should push these feelings away and move on or let it dwell on me and distance myself from people so that I won’t have the opportunity to get disappointed or anxious again. I usually end up pretending like everything is fine that way I’m not a burden to those around me. I am such a people- pleaser and I will do just about anything if it’ll make others around me, happy. Even as a child I always felt secure as long as everyone around me was happy and no one was mad at me. I can’t stand to have people mad at me, I think about it constantly. I KNOW these situations are silly and small yet my heart still chooses to dwell on them. I also know that I sound childish right now, but I’m just sharing my heart.
In the midst of all of these anxieties however, I can feel myself drawing closer to God and leaning heavily on His word. Each time I feel worrisome or get worked up, I find myself trying to remember the many promises God has given me. I constantly try to repeat my life verse over and over when I feel overwhelmingly anxious. Colossians 3:2 – “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.” When I get to heaven, it’s not going to matter who liked my facebook posts. It’s not going to matter what people thought of me. It’s not going to matter if I had a big fancy house or a nice car. Literally NONE of it will matter… the only thing that will matter is how you represented Christ throughout your life and that you lived for HIM. I know God doesn’t want me to worry about these things. I know that I need to set my mind on more important things. Even though I would obviously choose to not have depression and anxiety, I’m glad that God is drawing me closer to Him through it all. He’s teaching me that I can’t single handedly figure these things out for myself, and I simply have to give my anxieties to Him and let Him take care of the rest (1 Peter 5:7.) God allows us to be torn apart and beaten down so that we may draw closer to Him. I’m thankful & grateful that He cares enough about me to do so.
If you read through all of this, I first would like to say thank you for taking the time to read about my anxious heart. Secondly I’d ask that you would pray for me as I learn to lean on God through these trying times & that I lay my anxieties at His feet and leave them there. Lastly, I’d ask that you’d pray for my mom as she continues her chemo treatments.
Love & prayers to all!